Friday, January 24, 2014

fallen

I was involved with a person named Ashley for several years.  I won't go as far as to say he was my boyfriend, I couldn't call him mine, he was married to another.  I met him online before he was married,  Our story is similar to the one between you and I.  We spent time on the phone getting to know each other and learning.  I won't share all the details, but today, we find ourselves as friends, probably the best of friends.  I don't really believe that I was ever in love with him, and looking back I think that our romantic involvement was what he needed at the time and I went along with it.  I've always thought that perhaps my days following Ashley we filled with karma from my actions against another woman.  Wouldn't it only seem fair that I was cheated on and lied to by a man I loved.  Had I not been that woman to her husband?  I digress.  The point is, I've told Ashley about you, and he told me something very true just yesterday, actually a few things.   I respect his opinion because I believe we learned so much about ourselves during our time together.  I would like to share what he said about what he thinks of you and I.

He said that despite all of our years, our foundation was built the right way.  You and I were friends long before we ever met or touched.  He believes it is part of the connection that has held us together throughout our relationships with others.  He also agrees that it is very important for you and I to see each other again.  He admires your method and thoughts of ending things the right way with your current if that is what you decide.  He said that alone speaks of your love for me.  I've shared with him my impatience and he laughs at me.  He said that I'm so used to being disrespected by men that I can't recognize respect coming from you.  He pointed out that because of your respect for me, you're not involving yourself in an affair.  Repeated admiration, you're stronger than you know.  I argued that you weren't crossing any lines because you didn't want to cross them, I'm not the one for you, you're with your one.  He told me how ridiculous I sounded and that I was over analyzing like I do and making assumptions that weren't there.  Please don't be angry that I've confided in another about you and I.  I know that he doesn't seem like a likely source, but our affair is a part of our lives we rarely think about. The friendship that remains is irreplaceable.  He knows I love you and that I've never stopped.

Ra minus the w.  When you speak the word that is how it sounds.  Breezy is raw.  "Rah" minus the h, tribute to my father's time in the marines.  Not renee, my middle name is Lynn.  I merely live in Carolina, and have for most of my life, but my mother land is Ohio, and after that Oklahoma.  I've never felt that North Carolina was home completely and I don't today even more so.

I do hope, thoughts of a future between you and I are what keep me going.  I know that God has put me in your life for a reason.  I know that you have never left mine for that same.  Do you realize that it has been since August and I've pushed through.  I haven't given up, I can't take credit for that on my own.  I struggle with knowing the right thing to do.  Do I keep communication open between us, would it be best for me to go away and not be that distraction for you?  You told me that you wanted to get to know me and I said I wanted a piece of you, but I can't shake the desire for more.  I wish I could make you see through my eyes, we are so very close.  I won't give up on you, not until you speak the words to me.  For all that goes unspoken just keeps the door open and its what we both want.  I don't know the day to day life between you and Dee and I suppose I understand why you don't share it.  It would feel like a betrayal to your current and I respect that, because it tells me that you would never do it to me.  That speaks volumes about your character, and I adore that about you, despite my impatience.

I know that it is not an easy place that you are in.  I can only imagine there are parts of you that feel guilty about the things we have shared already.  But the truth is that I believe we spend time trying to make things work with the wrong people, despite loving them greatly.  I know that you can't just walk out and I don't expect you to, but know that I will welcome you just as you are.  You need nothing but yourself and love in your heart to begin with me.  The things that you wish to be done and doors to be closed I understand, but things and jobs and money are just a small piece of what it takes to have a healthy relationship with another.  I won't ever have an unhealthy relationship again, it nearly killed me.    I know that years after me have been cruel to you as well.  Have you ever considered that we've only struggled because we've been without each other?  It is the thought that fuels me now.  We want the same, we think the same.  You don't trust me, but I want you to.  I am patient while being impatient, you and I are worth waiting for.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

The soul is worn

and it is a feeling that is raw and numb.  I'm trying to find that connection with head and heart that makes the path to understanding a solid footing.  I gave myself away to the wrong person and I felt myself leaving.  But I'm coming home to an empty shell.  I've cleaned out the trash and the anger to make room for myself.

I know what it feels like to move on and I know how fast it happens.   I'm not okay with it.  But it would seem at the moment, I have no player in this fight.  I know you want me to choose to bow out gracefully.  Maybe you care, but for your own sanity and the fairness of another you choose differently.  Maybe your  so in love that the appeal of me no longer stirs your emotions.  I wish you knew how much I meant what I said to you in May.  I would say it all again.  

I don't know what is best for you.  I'm afraid if I stop reaching out to you that you'll assume I've given up.  At the same time, I'm afraid I'm causing more harm than good and making you angry at me.  It's almost been a month and I feel like I'm lurking in the shadows.   I know that you feel like you've said all there is to say, but try to understand if you don't say it in a language I comprehend and I won't get it.

Please tell me what the deepest part of your heart tells you, the part that remembers time cut too short.  The intensity of a first kiss that lasted until the next morning.

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Message in a bottle

It's hard for me to grasp that it's the middle of September.  The idea that we approach our four year anniversary for "D-Day" is an unbelievable pill to swallow.  To know that there are many stories and secrets between us that need to be told.  Many nights of a cold drink, a fire, a blanket, and the stars to cover.  The tears, the mistakes, and the time one can't get back, but it will never be too late for the healing to begin.

I look out into an early autumn morning, you know this is my favorite time of year.  It is when I reflect the most and when I feel the most optimistic about life and where it is going.  Maybe that's delusion in this case, but I forge ahead.
Is it irony that everything is dying?  I've given that some thought, but I believe its more about nature becoming bare and clean.  Breaking down to nothing to begin again.

I don't want to feel empty, estranged.  I know that it is through no fault of my own.  I believe that we both wanted the same thing, but had different ways of getting there.  No wrong, no right.  The door is closed, but the window is open to let the fall breeze in.  It blows straight through us, we aren't together to block it.

I told you that when I was ready, you were the one that I wanted to move forward with.  You understood that.  I want to live life, be good to you.  I love you.

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Screaming out

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bx88uQO_Ork&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Monday, September 16, 2013

Suffer slowly

I had an appointment this afternoon with by beloved therapist.  I told him of the level that I had stooped to get a response from you.  He laughed and called it progress.  I was fighting, its more than I had done in months.  I should rephrase that and say that I was fighting for something good and right and actually worth the effort, that was moving forward.  He asked me every detail and every word exchanged between us, I pulled out my phone and read it all between facebook and our texts.  He asked me how your responses made me feel.  I told him probably the same as my lack of response made you feel.  He asked me if I was heartbroken that you had moved on.  I told him that it suited me to live in temporary denial and I wanted to believe that this isn't happening.  He asked me why I didn't just answer you along the way, even if it was a little something, why the silence?   I told him I had become obsessed with getting myself back to a place where you could hear my voice and weakness wouldn't be what you heard.

You told me in May that you had missed me and that you were so lost without me and you loved me.  I told you that you were the person I wanted to move forward with.  I wish you knew how hard it has been without you or anyone to get through where I have been.  You are the last good thing I remember about my life, but you and I were separated too soon.  I had never and still haven't experienced the connection that you and I had upon meeting face to face.  We only touched the surface of our chemistry.

I'm not going to go on and on about life and choices.  I feel like until recently you had been waiting on me, sure you've dated and been with others, but for whatever reason you held on to me.
I know that you felt like we were going back and forth and you couldn't do it anymore.  I realize my mistake was not communicating with you the severity of the last 120 days.  Maybe one day I can.

I'm waiting for you.  Until you tell me not to.  We promised each other we would.

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

The third degree

I said once, a long time ago, that honesty is not the default behavior.  I still believe this to be true, but in the privacy of my little online reality..and with my readers only being one.  I become an open book.

My career is my greatest success.  It's what I have worked the hardest at, and no one can take it away from me.  It won't leave me for a better offer, someone thinner or younger.

I've turned into a person I hardly recognize, in many aspects.  In this respect, I eat more vegan and organic.  I try to find renewable sources and I bought a hybrid.  I'm into electronic and folk music and when my lease is up, I'm considering moving to downtown Raleigh in an apartment for the culture and the experience.
  I haven't listened to a country song in months and my beloved Jeep is still sitting there with the same brake issue the last time we spoke.
  
My therapist says I'm going through something, an age of self discovery, revolution even.  I told him, no shit.  The why remains to be found.

I've gotten older since I saw you last.  Wiser too, but dumber than ever.  In my mind, I have a good grasp on reality and know exactly what I'm doing.  I have no idea what's going on and I'd love to go on vacation to figure it out.  Although I would solve  nothing and come back with more answers and questioning more.

Opposites attract.  You have to be similar to sustain the relationship, whatever the level.  I've tested this theory.  I get along with my father much better than my mother, despite his never really being there for me as a young woman and walking out.  My mom tells me all the time, how much I am like him with my temperament  and mentality.  My mom and I can only spend limited amounts of time together as she has gotten older because she makes me nuts with her gin and tonic and her hardened desperation.

I'm not the rowdy spitfire I was.  My tongue is still sharp, but I hold it more than I ever did before.  I try to keep the peace, I don't walk around looking for the fight anymore.  I've mellowed out, the fight has left me.
  Being cheated on and living with the most broken man I've ever found will do that to you.  I became codependent and my enablement went into overdrive.  I lost myself because I was emotionally and mentally abused.  I'm not one to use that line, its not my style.  But I promise, it is true.  Even after months of therapy, my doctor can't figure out why I haven't snapped back yet.  Abuse runs deep.  I don't see myself the same way I always have.  I'm strong in many ways, but weak and tired in others.

I believe that if you had never moved, our lives would be very different right now.  I even believe and subconsciously blame you for the last 4 years.  My doctor actually pointed it out.  I wasn't aware.  That's a shit ton of pressure to put on someone you've only shared a bed with a couple of times.  Although our friendship did go years back.  I really don't all the way blame you, I want it to read less severe than it is or was.  But I do know that the timing would have been different and I wouldn't have gone searching for the void we created and you left so quickly.

I know and understand that you had to leave.  We wasted too much time with the wrong people when we should have met in the very beginning.  I believe this blog would be non-existant and we'd be drinking coffee watching the sun come up over the soybean field.

There is something I have to make you understand.  Where I am or how I've been has nothing to do with anyone else.  I know that I am in no position to entertain someone personally.  I have been a shallow and uninvested person to many along the way, part of me believes my current state of karma is a reflection of that.
  You have to know that you were not that person to me.  There are few than hold pieces to my heart and your flag still stakes a claim within.  I've only done what I learned at a young age to do.  Close the door, pick yourself up and survive.  When you drove away, I slammed the door behind you.  You knew me and my past, you had to know I would cope however I could.

I know that you are a person most like me,  I know we view things the same.  Something you said in the beginning of summer when I was in my sunroom one night on the phone... of course my words won't be exact..You said no one is ever good enough, I pick everyone apart and don't stay with them based on what I find.  As general as the statement was, all I heard was a warning to myself.
  When you knew me before,  I didn't see myself as flawed or weak.  I was confident and arrogant really.  I felt larger than life and untouchable.  I felt like a good candidate, someone to be proud of and learn from.
  I do not see myself in that light now.  I spent the next days analyzing the ways you would pick me apart.   And how, whatever feelings you had for me would leave once you discovered who I had become.  If only you knew how much further along I was now than just a few short months ago.

I'd rather you love and remember who I was then than who I am right now.  Unconditional or not.  I'm not in love with who I am, how can I expect anyone else to be.
I know that these past years have not been entirely kind to you either.  And whatever you believe in greater spirits and higher powers, I believe that exactly what is meant to happen between us, will.  Maybe you fall in love with someone else and live your life with them.  Maybe we meet when we're 40 on a beach in Costa Rica and ride a bicycle in a village while we figure out 50 ways to eat mangos.  Maybe something brings us both to where we need to be and the rest is history.
Maybe we never find the connection that we have with the other, but we never forget the memories of 2 people that were lost that found their way together, even if just for a little while.

You know I wish you nothing but the best that life has to offer in every corner.  I am always here, even if you have to look further back and deeper to find me.

Monday, September 2, 2013

The mind that binds

The journey to self discovery is a tainted one.  It is filled with tears and anger, then moments of awareness and melancholy.  The cycle finds its way around to where it all began and one travels the road once again.

Should I tell you what I want?  These thoughts and tall orders that won't ever be filled.  I think most fondly of you and us, just the way we were.  These two people frozen in time, when it seemed easy and effortless.  But the dark cloud of exit came in, though it was there in the beginning.  Leaving.  There was no escape, no path to make it work.  The place I was in was not one to be trusted.  I would have made promises I could not keep.  I needed you near in a place that I could get to, you would be just beyond my reach.

I love.  I've loved without you, but not as the way with you.  We think that everything lies within the other.  All is failure because the piece is missing.  One believes that it could be, I have spent the days convincing myself if it was to be, it would have been already.

I fear your intensity.  I'm more shallow than that.  My eyes won't pierce you or rake your soul over a cool terrain.   I won't try to change you, or put your even shape in an odd hole.  I live without you, or around you.  Yes, that's it.  The dark shadow in a broken room.  You would be the one most like me, isn't that the key.  Opposition attracts but can not be sustained.  Similar thoughts, reasoning, and views in a twisted world make the downward spiral together.  But we spin, in the same direction, in different places.  

The years have been unkind, they have changed.  I am simple, but my mind is a ruthless complexity.  I can't find my center because I allow myself to be pulled to the edges.  I am weak, shattered, and defeated.  I've accepted it for the moment, won't you understand, I'm saving you from it.  We both have a memory in our heads of who I was, neither of us like who I am.  

In a grassy plain, no trees of green, or flowers of vibrant beauty.  Most of what is around is dry and thick, it breaks below your step.  It's tired and leans to the side from a wind too strong.  It is weak and brown, its spirit is near death.  The has been little rain and too much sun.  In the middle of this crusted earth is a door in a frame, standing alone, but strangely not out of place.  It is tall and grand, there are traces of bright blue turquoise on its wood panels.  The elements have not been kind.  The wind has etched away its color of great beauty.  The crystal knob dangles, you have to wipe away the dust to see the shimmer in an August sun.  The door is locked and the bronze key, aged with time is broken within.  You can't get through, although you can look through the  hole and see the other side. 
 It would be easy to walk around the door, but we both know, I have to walk through it.  And I just can't get through, even when I know I'm losing what is on the other side.  I can't help it and I don't know how to start.  Can't you see, I'm saving you!  My sad soul is trapped on this side of beauty and I've found a comfort here that I can't bare to escape.  It is all I know and have ever known, it seems real.  Though not what I want.  As always, its just out of reach.